Expectations

First and foremost, what is an expectation? The word ‘Expectation’ comes from the verb ‘expect’ meaning to regard something likely to happen, i.e. suppose, presume, believe, imagine, assume etc. Expectation is a noun meaning a strong belief about the way something should happen or how somebody should behave. To expect, is a verb meaning to regard (something) as likely to happen, (someone) as likely to do or be, require (something) as rightfully due or appropriate in circumstances, to require (something or someone) to fulfil an obligation. Informally the word is used to indicate that one supposes something to be so but has no firm evidence that it will be so. Most of the time the expectations are unsaid and not clearly made known.

I think it is of prime importance to note the following keywords: regard something likely, suppose, presume, believe, imagine, assume, etc. Do you see a pattern? Just looking at all the above words, one can't lose sight of the fact that they carry a burden or negative connotation towards the person who is supposed to do the work of fulfilling the expectation. Clearly there is no consultation and or agreement, just a presumption.This begs one to ask: Who sets expectations? Are expectations beneficial or not? Is the one expected to fulfil the act of the expectation aware of what is expected of him? If so, at what point was she made aware of or consulted about the said expectation? Who gave the one who expects, the right to place an expectation on another?….

Expectations are very dangerous because when they are not met, they create unnecessary animosity and resentment. Who determines what the expectations will be? What is the criteria used? Who benefits from those expectations? And why are there expectations in the first place? It seems they benefit those in authority, those who wield power over others, society, the community, culture, race, the church, religion, the government, etc. This is a global problem, it's a dangerous game of some sorts.

Here is a common a scenario of boy meets girl. A young man, Mike, meets a beautiful young lady, Pearl, and he is swept away by her beauty, graciousness and the way she carries herself. Something in him says 'She is my wife.' When Pearl sees Mike, she is so taken by his charm and handsomeness and in her head she too says, 'He is my husband.' The two end up dating and everything goes smoothly as they are on their best behaviour to impress each other. This confirms to both of them that their relationship is a match made in heaven. They get married a few months or year later into the relationship.

As time goes by, they get used to each other and drop their guard as they now feel comfortable with each other. Now that they have each other, they have secured their wish to be together. Their real nature slowly begins to surface and knocks over the often false and impressive behaviour that was used in the wooing process. Conscious and unconscious expectations start surfacing and they begin to disagree about things they used to agree about. Pearl tells Mike that he must act 'like a man' and do certain things, while Mike also tells Pearl that she must act 'like a married woman' and act in a certain way. A war ensues about expectations, i.e. things that are on the periphery and do not add value in their love for each other. If they are not careful, their wonderful relationship will end. Behind these expectations are beliefs that are deep rooted and learned from their early developmental years. Because these beliefs make them who they are, they cloud their judgement. When one has never introspected and asked him-/herself what actually drives them to think, do and be who they are, we have a problem. Well, what is there to do now?

When you learn to support, build, nurture and love yourself, you are not going to have expectations. You embrace the other just as they are and that is what we call love. You love the other and allow them to be without wanting to change them to be something else. If you haven’t given yourself love and nurturing, how could you genuinely give it to another. There is no way you will be able to do that for another. Everything starts with you and you simply cannot give what you do not have.

The problem arises when you think the other should live the way you want them to, thinking that that is the only way they need to survive. We use all forms of battering, emotional manipulation and control to make others play to our expectations. We forget that as much as you can think, so can they. They are individuals in their own right. Would you call this love or manipulation? Is this love or fear? Remember, only two emotions drive us - love or fear - and the choice is yours to decide which of the two you make each of your decisions from. When you are driven by fear you feel powerless and at the mercy of something beyond your control and therefore you will use force to create the situation you desire. You come with expectations. When love is driving your actions, you feel so powerful that you can achieve anything and everything. Everyone is a friend not a threat, and you accept people as they are, with no expectations.